February 12th, 2011 by Kevin Ngo
There are two extremely painful experiences we all face in life: Death of a loved one and the end to a meaningful relationship. Death is something that can’t be stopped. It’s something that we all have to face, so I won’t be writing about that. In terms of relationships, that’s something we have some control over. Let me give you one question I learned to ask that will help your relationship stand a better chance of survival.
The thing that kills many relationships is the words that are said out of anger. Once you say something, you can’t take it back. Many times, when we get into an argument, the main point of the argument gets lost and we end up arguing about things that are way off the original topic. Has this ever happened to you? Sometimes, just to prove that we are right, we will say things we don’t mean just to “win” the argument.
I had a discussion with a cousin of mine years ago about relationships and how he handles arguments. He told me something I will never forget. His method of dealing with arguments is asking himself one question: Is this worth risking the relationship over? No matter how small the argument seems, he would ask that question.
If you ask that question, you will see that the majority of the time, whatever it is the argument is about, your answer will be a resounding, “No!” I’m sure you’ve had this happen where the argument starts off as a minor one, over something stupid, but then grows into something more serious just because neither side was willing to lose.
When you understand that small arguments have a tendency to grow into big ones and that big ones can grow into arguments that can destroy the relationship, you would think twice about wanting to win the argument. That’s why asking yourself whether or not the petty argument is worth risking the relationship over is so useful. Too many times during the midst of an argument, we forget that the person we’re debating with is the most important person in our life.
When you start making it a habit of asking this one important question, you will be able to calm down and remember what’s really important, the love you share for one another. So the next time you argue over something like who left the toothpaste cap open, just ask yourself the question. If the answer is no, just give them the win. Once tempers are back to normal, you can discuss it further when the both or you are in a lighter mood. Use this one question often. It could save your relationship.
Until next time…
Love Life. Do Good. Live Well.
Return from Save Your Relationship to Main Articles page.
Very well said and thanks for this info. Another thing we also forget when dealing with relationships is the fact that we are all human. We are all entitled to our own thoughts and opinions and are there is no promise that others even our dear loved ones will always agree with us. That being said, some disagreements are inevitable. However, it has become habit that in romantic relationships we're often too quick to derive a separation from a disagreement. How many times have we disagreed with parents or guardians in our upbringing? These disagreements “usually” don't lead to us ousting ourselves from our families but they can rock romantic relationships. As noted, we need to take a moment (breathe) to evaluate the nature of the argument and realize that a “simple” disagreement is not the end of a relationship but merely a difference of opinions.
Thanks for your input. I believe that as long as we don't question the other person's intention, arguments can happen without much harm. It's when you think the other person is deliberately trying to hurt you that simple disagreements can turn into something much worse.
Of course, it's easy for me to say to calm down before talking when you're angry but actually doing that takes discipline and self control. In the heat of the moment, things can be said that aren't meant to be said but as long as both sides know that the other person doesn't want to intentionally hurt them, the relationship can survive any argument in my opinion.
Great advice! Yes, that's a question to ask before ending a relationship after an argument.
great tips, its so nice to read the motivation articles….thank you..
Both parties are looser in any argument, wheather it good or bad.Looser will feel very bad against the winner and the winner will be encouraged to heart more people in future. So why at all one ought to indulge in any argument. Nice article worth educative.
It is healthy to debate issues, it is not healthy to put people down when doing so.
Agreed.
wow!!!!!!!!!this article is very good, now i can put that question in the back of my mind
Very much true!!
Also, during an argument if one keep's another thing in mind….”Will I be happy, if this person will not be a part of my life from tomorrow”…It cools down the anger instant:))
Good advice also. I just hope when I am angry, I could remember this question to ask myself :).
hiiii, this article is very interactive because relationship is a part of life .so, many types of relationship in our world such as ,parents ,husbandwife, brother& sister etc. To keep the good relationship is one of relation in mutual love.